Is my ex clinging like a barnacle to our sunken relationship?

Dear J & M,

I think my ex might still have feelings for me. He apologized for all the shit he pulled and we're friends again. But still, whenever I say anything about my new boyfriend, he gets real quiet and changes the subject real fast.

Is there something up, or am I imagining things? How else would I be able to tell?

Love,
Friends With Ex

♥ ♥ ♥

Friends,

One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned when it comes to complicated relationships was to trust my gut. At times, I still find it helpful to remember the Boogie Nights test: if it looks like shit, and it sounds like shit, then it must be shit.

Trusting my gut doesn't come easily to me, as I'm guessing it doesn't to you. That’s because our society encourages us to listen to our logical left brains over the sorcery of intuition.

My own programmed setting is to over-intellectualize my feelings, rationalize them into something "civil" and antiseptic. But don't make the classic mistake of forgetting that we are all animals. What your ex should be okay with by the rules of your new, platonic relationship probably still ignites instinctual, territorial jealousy in him. After all, he hasn't forgotten that what you now share with your new man you once shared with him.

If your ex is smart, he’s probably over-intellectualizing his relationship with you, too, perhaps in order to keep you around. It makes me think of the twinkly-eyed pick-up line used on people who have partners: “What, can’t you have friends?” The grift is that of course romance and friendship never mix!

Besides, the fact that you two used to be an item only compounds an issue that bubbles under the surface of every close relationship with fuck potential. It's essentially the will-they-won't-they dynamic. Between two single friends with compatible sexual preferences, the possibly of hooking up is always on the table, at least in the subliminal mind. It's a tacit understanding that keeps the machinery of the relationship operating smoothly.

Your new boyfriend is like a wrench in that machine. At every mention of his name, your ex is reminded not only that he will not be laying you, in any hypothetical futurity, but that the time for that has come and gone. Regardless of how things ended, it's hard to let go of the people we once were close to without momentum to push us away.

In short — yes. It's probably safe to say your ex still has feelings for you. Especially given his tumultuous behavior with you in the past. If he texts you frequently and wants to know what you had for dinner, then you know for sure. Try giving yourself space, for both his sake and your own. "Leave room for the Holy Spirit," as the Catholic half of the The Love Rag put it.

Remember, we humans are evolved creatures, but we haven't yet squashed out basic instinct. Which is why you probably knew all this already in your gut.

— J & M