Notes from the field: What not to do on a first date

In our combined experience, the following behaviors when exhibited on a first date (okay, we threw in some job interview data, too) have yielded a 0% positive text-back rate. We do not recommend you:
  1. Accuse your date of being a poser.

  2. Sneeze into your hand before extending it to shake.

  3. Explain to your interviewer that the situation would've been an example of a time you overcame a difficult problem at work, if only you hadn't been fired because of it.

  4. Compulsively make sexually explicit jokes to the point where neither you nor your date know if you can stop.

  5. Shout, flail, rant, and/or rave about your passion for love. Your date will think that you're on cocaine, and you'll want to keep that a secret.

  6. Post Instagram stories after your blind date proclaiming how awful it was. Our findings show there is a 100% chance said date will view said stories.

  7. Act aggressively clingy "as a joke." This looks indistinguishable from actual clinginess.

  8. Tell your date about your knack for infidelity. Major character flaws should be hidden until the stroke of midnight under a waxing gibbous moon, or until the third date.

  9. Get annihilated by accident. (Well, it's never "on purpose." 😉)

  10. Talk about blood. Just because everyone has it doesn't make it romantically appetizing.

Bonus: Have sex in the bathroom of The Lowry.

Disclaimer: Do expect returns in the form of negative feedback.