An overwrought answer to overthinking dating

Dear J & M,

As someone who makes mental connections before emotional ones, I find it’s hard to want to go on a second date if someone isn’t both intelligent and bizarre. Even when I do meet exciting people, anxiety clouds my judgement and I can’t read if they are feeling me as well.

Maybe you could spare some understanding about dating for the odd and anxious?

Regards,
Niche Interests Please Apply

♥ ♥ ♥

Niche,

Dating in this day and age is hard (it's the '90s!). Especially when our curated personas are digitally on display and accessible at all times. Expectations going into a date are high, and the pressure to impress is even higherer. This is enough to give anyone shrouding anxiety.

Which is why a first date isn't the best showcase of character.

That being said, it's OK not to want a second date with someone you're not into, whatever your reasons may be. If you're not excited by a person, attracted to them, or if you don't feel some electric buzz between you, mental or otherwise, that compels you to see them again — that probably means that person is just a sim.

Sure, a second date is only fair. There's always the lesson of Pride and Prejudice to keep in mind. No one wants to judge prematurely and walk away from a love like Elizabeth's and Mr. Darcy's. But at least those two initially felt the fiery passion of loathing for one another. That's something.

Who wants to toil away, date after date, at a quasi-connection one suspects will be fruitless? This is a trap, I think, that is more likely to befall "rational" types than those empaths who fall for anyone. Lack of enthusiasm in general is common amongst intellectuals.

The point is effort is boring. Anything truly exciting will happen on its own, because you want it to.

Real emotional connection is organic and slow-growing. This is precisely what makes emotional connection a precious resource. You can't synthesize its sparkling brilliance in a lab.

So how to make magic happen organically?

Here's the scoop: The trick to dating, life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is to have no expectations. Incidentally, this is probably the only piece of advice anyone needs, ever. (Pack it in, boys. We're shutting down the blog.)

When you snuff out all expectations — either that the date will be entrancing, or that it'll totally blow — the stakes are low, and you can allow yourself to simply experience getting to know someone, without getting hung up on boner-killing overanalysis.

Now, if you've already secured a mental connection with someone you're interested in — congratulations! The hard part is over. From here, just sit back and enjoy the rush of falling in love, anxiety and all. Remember that the human brain infatuated is a maelstrom of surging dopamine and lowered serotonin; a neural cocktail of obsession and mania. High highs and low lows just mean the crush in question is good shit. (Are you getting that love is a drug?)

And if the mutual interests aren't there, the banter falls flat, the person is fundamentally against astrology and all of your weirdo hobbies: Thank u, next.

Who knows? Maybe you'll run into your date again and things will be different, more congenial, more Georgian England.

— J & M