It's all coming back to me now: Is it too late to apologize?
Dear J & M,
In the past, I have — as have many — done some fucked up stuff in the name of love. Mostly, I didn’t realize how fucked up it was until the relationships were over, sometimes years later.
In the past, I have — as have many — done some fucked up stuff in the name of love. Mostly, I didn’t realize how fucked up it was until the relationships were over, sometimes years later.
Is it worthwhile to reach out to an ex to apologize for shit that happened years ago, or it is better to just let it go and hope that time and distance heal all wounds?
Thanks,
Late Apology Or Nah
Nah,
Consider this: In our parents' generation, unless you ran in the same circle or made the effort to be friends, the chances of interacting with your ex after a breakup were slim to none. All the bad things that transpired during the relationship were necessarily water under the bridge. Years later, you might not have your ex's phone number to call and say sorry 'bout it even if you wanted to. A scorned lover could only forgive and forget — or be eaten alive by resentment. But the former is much easier.
Basically, letting go was just a natural part of life before Instagram. (Thanks for the triggers, Zuckerberg!)
Today, we live in a call-out culture that demands accountability. This is a good thing when it comes to "serial abuser" types. But given that it merely occurred to you that you did some messed up shit, and that you think it might be the right thing to do to apologize, I'm going to cold-read you and guess that you don't fit the profile of an abuser. I imagine abusers know who they are.
Now, if you think something like a twelve-step recovery program applies to you, this might be worth looking into.
But concerning everyday, run-of-the-mill fuckery — all is fair in love and war, baby! Everyone who's lived has screwed someone over or been screwed over on the battlefield of love. (How many clichés can we fit into one post?) Past relationships are rarely pretty or polite—they ended for a reason, right?
You and your exes are probably better off letting bygones be bygones. (!) Hopefully, having known you, they give you the benefit of the doubt in retrospect — or at least assume that you've grown since, as they probably have. Empathy and understanding are parts of a well-balanced spiritual diet.
Chalk it up to your personal journey, and, if you must, save any heartfelt reconciliations for the serendipitous moment you run into your ex at Gathering of the Juggalos.
— J & M
Thanks,
Late Apology Or Nah
♥ ♥ ♥
Nah,
This is inevitably what happens when you take too many contemplative baths. You end up on the business end of a love advice blog, hoping for strangers to affirm that you're not a shitty person. I say this in solidarity.
Indeed, when I'm soaking in Epsom salts by the glow of a Yankee Candle, I often wish I could extract all the thoughts from my brain like Professor Dumbledore in that movie about the wizard kid. What was his name again? No matter, write to our P.O. box if you know what I'm talking about.
Indeed, when I'm soaking in Epsom salts by the glow of a Yankee Candle, I often wish I could extract all the thoughts from my brain like Professor Dumbledore in that movie about the wizard kid. What was his name again? No matter, write to our P.O. box if you know what I'm talking about.
Consider this: In our parents' generation, unless you ran in the same circle or made the effort to be friends, the chances of interacting with your ex after a breakup were slim to none. All the bad things that transpired during the relationship were necessarily water under the bridge. Years later, you might not have your ex's phone number to call and say sorry 'bout it even if you wanted to. A scorned lover could only forgive and forget — or be eaten alive by resentment. But the former is much easier.
Basically, letting go was just a natural part of life before Instagram. (Thanks for the triggers, Zuckerberg!)
Today, we live in a call-out culture that demands accountability. This is a good thing when it comes to "serial abuser" types. But given that it merely occurred to you that you did some messed up shit, and that you think it might be the right thing to do to apologize, I'm going to cold-read you and guess that you don't fit the profile of an abuser. I imagine abusers know who they are.
Now, if you think something like a twelve-step recovery program applies to you, this might be worth looking into.
But concerning everyday, run-of-the-mill fuckery — all is fair in love and war, baby! Everyone who's lived has screwed someone over or been screwed over on the battlefield of love. (How many clichés can we fit into one post?) Past relationships are rarely pretty or polite—they ended for a reason, right?
You and your exes are probably better off letting bygones be bygones. (!) Hopefully, having known you, they give you the benefit of the doubt in retrospect — or at least assume that you've grown since, as they probably have. Empathy and understanding are parts of a well-balanced spiritual diet.
Chalk it up to your personal journey, and, if you must, save any heartfelt reconciliations for the serendipitous moment you run into your ex at Gathering of the Juggalos.
— J & M