Are my man's feelings for me real even though his life is in shambles?

Dear J & M,

How soon can you love someone after a break up? I have found myself in an "odd" situation. I fell for a man who is currently going through a divorce with three small children. We are in love, but I can’t help but feel deathly afraid almost constantly that he will change his mind because we found each other before the divorce was final. To make things worse, his wife was cheating on him for a very long period of time, and he was blissfully unaware.

How do I know his love is real, and he's not just reaching for the feelings of love and affection that he’s been missing for so long? I love him. I want to build a life together. But I can’t seem to get past my fears that one day this will all disappear.

Sincerely,
Love Struck And Weary


♥ ♥ ♥

Weary,

It's exhausting and demoralizing to live in a constant state of fear about your relationship. Most importantly, it's counterproductive. Positive, harmonious love simply cannot flourish under conditions of fear, no matter what the external circumstances.

Despite your man going through a tumultuous time in his life — which he undoubtedly is — there is no time minimum on love. Yeah, he just found out he was an unwitting cuckold throughout most of his sham marriage. Yeah, he's in the process of divorcing three small children. Yeah, that's weird.

But we've heard that everyone has baggage that they bring to a relationship. And sometimes, you have to pay extra for extra weight (about three kids' worth).

In all seriousness, if the relationship is right, it will prevail. By all accounts, your presence in his life is a source of warmth, light, and stability in what might otherwise be a cold, dark, and precarious place. A messy beginning, on its own, is not a compelling reason to think that a relationship can't withstand the test of time. Relationships with complicated — ugly, even — origin stories succeed every day.

What you should be focusing on is this: Ultimately, there's no way we can ever know with certainty our partner's, or anyone's true feelings about us. Love defies and resists being calculated. Any attempt to do so is madness, as you're finding out. All we can do is take stock of our partner's words and actions, and have trust: Trust in our partner because we love them, and trust in love itself.

If it's important to you, give it a fighting chance by letting go of fear and enjoying what you have.

 J & M