My Strange Addiction: My ex’s exes

Dear J & M,

I am struggling with insecurity in my heart that disgusts my brain. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who had a mysterious, hot, cool ex. She’d text him from time to time which upset me, but I was told they’re friends and I’d have to get over it because she was just always going to be around. My ex-boyfriend was sort of an ass. Anyway, I did meet her and we got along great. I confirmed she was very cool and very hot, and my fear morphed into an envious admiration and a bundle of curiosity about why they didn’t work out.

I broke up with the guy for about a year, then we decided to try again. I wasn’t aware until we started the second go-around that there was someone in between. I met the in-between as well, this time because she had a similar experience of feeling threatened by me while with the guy. She was tortured enough to slide into my DMs and ask to send me a letter after they ended things. I respectfully declined but found myself curiously trying to compare myself again.

I again broke up with the guy for a myriad of reasons and feel strongly it was a good choice, but I still find myself spiraling into these comparisons if anything online reminds me of the other girls. One has everything I like about myself, but better. The other taps into everything I don’t like, and makes me feel degraded. I don’t actually believe that people are better or worse than each other, and I know that measurable comparisons have nothing to do with love and attraction…but here I am picking them and myself apart trying to figure out how we rank or something.

I want to let it go. How do I give myself a break?

Sincerely,
Ex Obsessed

♥ ♥ ♥

Obsessed,

Even in this modern age of enlightenment, we've all had nightmares about losing control and clawing our victim's face to shreds in front of scandalized dinner party guests. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

No matter how much woke doctrine we try to internalize, feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and of being disturbed by the mysterious allure of a nemesis (ghost emoji, devil emoji, dove emoji…and randomly, abacus emoji?) can still crop up like ugly, soul-sucking weeds.

These feelings are fertile ground for fixation — especially when the subject is an old flame who left us burned. It's an emotional acid trip made up of deep-seated hurt, twisted desire, and evil twins. Which is actually a pertinent theme here.

Consider this: These exes that you're obsessed with are functioning as your archetypal doppelgängers. A website about literary devices says:
In traditional folklore, doppelgänger is a malicious and evil character, having no shadow or reflection. It troubles and harms its counterpart by putting bad thoughts and ideas in his or her head. In some cultures, seeing one’s doppelgänger is bad luck, and is often a sign of serious illness or approaching death.
Clearly, there's something intrinsically unnerving about recognizing yourself in an adversary.

The source of torment might be in the fact that we view doppelgängers solely in terms of ourselves, and by doing so, we reduce them down to either better or worse versions of us. In our rabid state of mind, we hold a magnifying glass to certain parts of them, thereby missing the full scope of their humanity — which is to forget that they too are utterly basic, and that we too exist in full scope, outside the magnifying glass of others.

Under the spell of obsession, we fall victim to a false reality — as fictional as folklore — authored by our own minds and tailored to our own cruelest insecurities. Here's what you've got to remember: It's not real.

So, what's the best way to snap a trance?

Distraction! A new tattoo, a major hair change; get your motorcycle license, sign up for improv class, donate your body to science.

Here's the skinny: No one needs to be friends with their ex's exes — even if you all get along. In fact, you don't need to interact with them at all. Better yet, block 'em! Who cares? However you choose to do it, relegate your douchey ex and his exes to the furthest regions of your mind. They are unimportant.

Sure, it's possible that getting to know them better would humanize them in your mind and thereby loosen their grip on you — but nothing would be better than forgetting about them completely and moving on.

As Robyn says: "The only way her heart will mend / Is when she learns to love again." Let that be someone new.

— J & M